Finding Perfect Peace

Where does time go?

This is one question I seem to ask myself more and more the older I get.
Where DOES time go?
No where, really, but wherever it goes you can't get it back. And it seems to take your peace of mind with it.
I'm sitting in my favorite childhood park as I write this blog entry.  It's a park I've been to many times-- as a child with my family and now, as an adult, I still come back to it several times a year.  The trees tower overhead, creating a magnifiscent canopy of shade.  A gentle creek runs through the park and cascades down a man-made waterfall into a giant pond full of chubby mallard ducks.  It is cooler and calmer here.  A monarch butterfly lands on a dry tree stump right in front of me as a gang of spoiled ducks  takes off from the pond flying so close to the surface, I can hear their wings slap on the water.  As I type, just a few yards away from me, kids are playing in a creek the same way I used to.  They are kicking and splashing and jumping from rock to rock and they don't have a care in the world.
Ah, the good ol' days.
Remember those days?
Back when your biggest worry was running out of cherry Kool-Aid.  Or the sun going down before you could get in that last game of tackle football on Johnny's front lawn.  Or not having enough quarters to get into the community pool.  Or having enough quarters (2 in my day) for the pool, but not having enough courage to jump from the high diving board (AFTER you got all the way up there!)
Oh, to have those worries again! Now I have my job, health, mortgage payment, family, and the price of gas to worry about.  I want my creek back!

The other day I was watching an episode of TED Talks and saw a neuroscientist describe her experience of having a stroke many years ago.  She had a stroke fairly young. As the stroke was ravaging her brain, she described long moments of silence, where her mind no longer functioned normally and she felt like she was outside herself, outside of her mind, at complete peace, in a place without any fear or worry, no memories or baggage of any kind.  She waved her arms above her in a sort of universal embrace as she described this mesmerizing moment to the crowd, tears streamed out of her eyes.  Her face glowed.  She wished everyone could find that place without having to have a stroke.
She called this place NIRVANA.
Of course, her entire stroke experience was far from one long blissful moment.  She described "brain freeze" type pain, searing and sharp; and most of the time she couldn't read, talk, and couldn't lift her arm to dial the phone.  She finally got help from a friend and made it to the hospital.  Her recovery took 7 long years.
So that's what I need to be at peace?  To find perfect calm I need to take a hike from reality, get out from within my own mind?  I need to create my own "peaceful now" by detaching from my own mind and memories?  Hopefully not via stroke, but maybe LSD?  Pot? Alcohol?  Yoga?  Meditation?Hypnosis?
Sure, I could find temporary nirvana in any of those, but there'd be a few side effects to go along with it.  We all know about those nasty little warning labels.  As for me, I am most worried about the side effects of Yoga.  I've watched classes.  Seen videos.  I like the breathing exercises, but I am pretty sure I wouldn't be able to walk for a week after just one session. I remember a friend trying to talk me into taking a Yoga class with her.  I wasn't interested.  She pleaded, "C'mon, you gotta try it! It's so relaxing and good for you! There are all these great stretching moves like the "down dog" and the "up dog"!"
I replied, "What's "up-dog"?"  We both recognized what I had just said and burst out laughing.  (Ask my question again and you'll get the joke.  If you're under 50, watch MTV or have kids. )
So maybe Yoga would make me more limber and peaceful or maybe some kind of medication or libation could loosen me up a bit, but I am not going there.
I'm going to God.
In fact, God is here and I am learning to pay attention to his presence.  Today, he is in the breeze and the birds that circle around me.  He is in the laughter of the kids that play in the water nearby. 

This past week, I had something happen to me which, awhile back, would have gotten me tied up into a ball of knots that even the best Yoga instructor would have been hard pressed to stretch out of me.  Someone was insensitive and inconsiderate and maybe even a tad passive aggressive toward me. I let it go.  I spoke up calmly about what happened (God does not equal doormat), but I didn't let it rattle my cage.  I just said, "God, help me with this one.  See me through.  Give me patience."
He did.
I found peace in the midst of chaos.
I found my favorite childhood park in the middle of life's freeway.
I got into a "down dog" pose without a groin pull.
I didn't have to lose my mind to lose my fear or worry.
I found God.
Right then.
Right here.
Right now.
Always.

-Hope Horner, 2012
Blog:  godisstillspeaking.blogspot.com
Twitter: Follow at HopeNote

Died in Vain?

Galatians 2:21
I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be earned through the law (good works), than Christ's death was in vain!"

In a perfect church-lady soprano, the soloist rang out--
"Lord, may I live my life in a such a way that you did not die in vain."  (Hold "vain" note out...longer....longer...hold it, hold it....glass begins to vibrate...
Wait, what was that she just sang?
I sat up in my seat.  I was at a funeral for a friend I had known through work.  The service was long.  Very long.  I was trying to stay respectfully awake.  When family members would speak, the crowd would come to life again, but as soon as someone got up to sing or lead us in a hymn, everyone seemed to doze off.  We sang EVERY LINE of at least four hymns (from what I recall) and each one was sung in a way that matched the tone of the service - slow, somber, lifeless. And to top it off, we actually had a conductor at the front of the church, waving her wand at us to ensure we sang along and stayed on beat.  If there was a beat.
But I was suddenly awake when she sang that line.
What?
If I don't live my life in a certain way, Christ will have died in vain?
The song went on to talk about loving others, living right, serving God, etc., in order that Christ's death was not in vain.  At least, that was how I understood the message of the song.  Simply put, unless I get my act together and DO SOMETHING, God's death in all for not.
My first thought?  The one that startled me awake and made me shift uncomfortably in my chair?
HERESY!
Hey, I'm just being honest.  That's really what this blog is all about.  I blog it as it comes.  And in this moment at the funeral, when I heard this line, that's what came to mind - loudly and arrogantly, but thankfully, only in my mind.
Another hymn began.  I wasn't even trying to follow the conductor.  The hymnal was heavy in my hand, but all could think of was...
I can do nothing to add to or take away from Christ's death! I cannot add or detract value from it!
I can do nothing to add or take away from my salvation!
Right?
Well, yes and no.  Or Maybe.  Work this out with me a bit, won't you?
I'll be honest, I can't fully wrap my head around the full of meaning of this song nor remember every line, but what I do remember, doesn't seem quite in line with what I believe.  Christ's death fulfilled God's plan for salvation.  Nothing man can do can change that.  Nothing man can forget to do or fail to do, can reverse or alter God's plan of salvation or make the gift of Christ's salvation less powerful, valuable or render it pointless.  His death can never, ever be in vain, or "all for not" based on something man does or doesn't do.  He died. He rose.  He saved. Complete.  Valuable.  Priceless. Perfect.
But...
I can decide THE GIFT is not for me.  Sure, He gave His life, but it doesn't change mine.  I don't buy it, believe it or accept it.  But doesn't that just mean MY LIFE is in VAIN and NOT the Gift? I can choose to ignore, deny, denounce what Christ has done for me or I can reach out and take hold of that precious gift of forgiveness, love and believe it with my whole heart. I can live in such a way that reflects how appreciative I am for this gift.
So, let's say I deny Christ's gift of salvation (I say, "Sorry Jesus, you and your gift are not for me!  I can do it on my own!  Don't need God!  I'm good - thanks a mill', but I'll take it from here.  Not really sure you exist anyway, so I'll just be over here doing my thing, being as good as I can...")
Then my gift sits unopened.
Then what Christ did (died & rose again) was in vain because I didn't accept the gift? Because I didn't live a life full of good deeds to make it worth God's while?
What if I DO accept the gift?  The gift doesn't change!  It doesn't suddenly become valuable because I accepted it.  Jesus death and resurrection do not "suddenly have power and meaning" because I did something (believe/accept it/do lots of really good things).  However, my LIFE suddenly becomes valuable, powerful and eternally meaningful BECAUSE of the gift!

I Corinthians 15 helped me a little bit, especially verses 9-10 (but read the whole Chapter to get the context):
"For I am the least of the apostles, who am not worthy to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God. But by the grace of God, I am what I am (Paul), and His grace toward me was not in vain, but I labored more abundantly than they all, yet not I , but the grace of God which was with me."  Did you catch that?  Paul is saying (at least as I read it):  "I was a very bad man who persecuted Christians.  God saved me.  By the GRACE of God, I am preaching the good news, laboring for Christ more than anyone else so his grace toward me is not in vain, but yet it's not really me, it's the GRACE of God with me that allows me to do the work."
I like JB Phillips translation (as usual!) of this same passage:
"...the grace he has given me has not proven a barren gift.  I have worked harder than any of the others -- and yet it was not I, but this same grace of God within me."
So whatever works Paul did, it was grace that enabled him to do them.  Even his greatest works.  All his works.  Apart from Christ, he and we, can do nothing.(John 15:5)
So how can the gift be in vain until I do something, if even my "doing something" is possible only through and in Christ?
I guess the bottom line for me is while I do believe I must ACCEPT in faith the gift of salvation through Christ, I am not sure I believe that I must do something to make sure it is not in vain.  My LIFE could certainly be in vain, if I chose to live only for myself.  My talents could be in vain, if they are only used for my personal pleasure and entertainment and not for God's purposes.  Any gift given to me by God, I can waste.  Hording my time, money, toys, talents, treasures is totally pointless since I can't take any of it with me! But the gift of God's Son?  I just can't believe I can do anything to make it "all for not".  If I don't accept it, it still holds its value.  Any good works I do now, even my greatest works, don't give value to the death and resurrection of Christ.  I can only do good works with his help anyway.
I know this is as clear as mud.  I am still trying to wrap my head around it.  I am sure I will read this two days, two months, two years from now and think, "Huh? What was I thinking?" (Maybe even two hours from now!)
I do know one thing.  Nobody wants to die in vain.  Funerals prove that.  The funeral I attended featured a table in the lobby that displayed all the awards and medals this person had won for "giving back to the community."  He was a mentor, a great father, a community advocate and friend to the poor. The table showed he hadn't lived in vain.  He hadn't wasted his life in front of the TV or behind a desk.  He had made a difference, left a dent, had an impact.  His 67 years weren't in vain.  He used them well. I am not sure he found God, although it seemed he may have near the end. I am not one to judge what his life was worth or where he is now.  There were young men in the audience who he mentored for years and they could probably speak better to how much his life meant.
No matter where I land on the question, no matter whether I understand it or not, I know I don't want my life to be in vain.  God gave up heaven to come to me with the gift of salvation.  He saved me from myself.  May He grant me the grace to make the time he gives me here on earth count for HIM.  Not that I can add to God or anything He's done for me, but because I want to live a life that shows just how thankful I am for the gift.